WHAT I SAID WAS

i have no concept of time anymore.  i don’t know the difference between 10/1 or 11/14, tuesday or friday, 7 pm or 10 pm.  everything is measured in general terms: today, tomorrow, soon, later, morning, evening.

this is becoming a problem for my social life.  i triple-book by accident.  i have to rush my passport renewal because i forgot that six weeks in october is already mid-november… and i need my passport by december 1.  sign of funemployment-to-the-max or senility?

i have too much time on my hands.  when there’s nothing to do in my life, i start involving myself way too much in other people’s business.  this is completely unhealthy so it’s time to think about — THE FUTURE.  dun dun dun.

when i was back east, my conversations began to sound like a broken record. relative after relative would ask me about my plans:

relative: so what are you doing now?
me: i quit my job in august so now i’m looking.
relative: why did you quit?
me: because (explanation)
relative: why didn’t you wait to find something else
me: because (explanation)
relative: what do you want to do?
me: … i don’t know.
relative: well, take your time.

the last line is translated from cantonese (man man won), which, if said to you by a relative really means, “hurry up and get a job, fool” — well, minus the “fool.”

i can’t believe i’m still struggling with future plans even now.  i mean, realistically, is there THAT much of a future ahead?   i’m already 30 and by now, i should have had at least somewhat of a foundation for where i want to go, right?  sure you hear stories of late-bloomers all the time, but i don’t have the patience for that.  and anyway, who knows what will happen next time you step out the door.  the garbage truck might accidentally spill all it’s contents on you and you end up drowning in waste.  or an earthquake could send you falling into the center of the earth (… that would be kind of cool).  OR sarah palin could win the presidency and all the POCs will be banished to siberia (which you can see from her house) and you could freeze to death and then get eaten by a pack of lost hikers looking for iran.

point being, i would like to accomplish something meaningful — not necessarily by a certain deadline and definitely not some astronomical task, but i need to do something daily even that makes me feel like i’m really “living” and not just “existing.” so what does that entail?

writing: this blog has offered some respite to my creative woes.  i’ve always loved writing and it’s nice to have this platform to blab on to you three readers (hi naochan, mlee, and janejane).

photography:  i must invest in a smaller camera and take more photos.  i have a two year flickr membership that is totally going to waste.   so much beauty around me that i want to capture and share with you.

singing: every time i’m feeling slightly down in the dumps, i stop singing.  singing is like breathing to me so you can imagine how suffocated i’ve been feeling.  i need to find some time everyday devoted to singing.  and not just singing but singing out loud even if mgs is home or if the neighbors are outside or if i’m on the muni.  yes i will be one of those crazy people.

exercise: with all the time i have, i should seriously have a six-pack and bulging biceps by now.

classes: dance, graphic design, spanish.  let’s start with those.

so while this isn’t a clear cut road map of my future, it does mean the journey will be a lot more interesting and meaningful.  gol-getters: i have to update my goals list!

i’m back in new york after a weekend in rhode island for my cousin’s wedding.  my former residence now houses my mom, aunt, and my first brother and his family.  the computer i’m on currently is in my niece’s room.

what amazes me (the old fart that i am) is that she’s studying for spanish with her friend… ON VIDCHAT.  what the what?!  what happened to a phone call?  or staying late at school to study?  or going over to someone’s house to study.  she also has facebook open and is checking in on everything that i’m writing about how she’s studying via vidchat.

question: do all tweeners have A.D.D.?  and how do we communicate to them in a way that reaches them in these tech-heavy, spastic times?  i remember the days when three-way phone conferencing was a big deal, nevermind aim, gchatting, skype, and all the other platforms for communication that exists now.  do we need to feed kids these days only tidbits of information in order for them to be able to process it?

i’m back east for a wedding in newport.  after posting a status on facebook update upon arrival, my friend commented that it’s been a big traveling year for me.  it took me a second to realize how true that is – london, spain, hawaii, new york, los angeles, mendocino, humboldt, rhode island and soon newport and asia.

i’ve always hated traveling – like the physical act of traveling and all the prep work that goes into it.  going through airport security make me anxious as does lining up to get onto the plane.  packing stresses me out.  i always worry that i’ve left my i.d. or tickets at home.  i’m a hot mess when i travel.

that is until i land and spend a few hours adjusting.  then, there’s nothing like the thrill of immersing oneself in the culture of one’s new surroundings.  i’m looking forward to future adventures, but for now… i am jetlag and though i need sleep, will have to hop in my bro’s car for a five-hour drive.  looking forward to seeing what newport has to offer!