WHAT I SAID WAS

i think i’ve reached that point where being unemployed is no longer fun. i had a temp job last week as the receptionist for a building management company. it was pretty brainless work, but i kind of liked getting dressed in the morning, heading out early, and having defined duties that i could check off as i completed each task. while i love the luxuries of unemployment — waking up late, enjoying the outdoors when the weather’s nice, traveling — i’m stressing out about money and a little thing called “the future.” what the hell am i doing?

i had my first-ever phone interview this morning at 9am. i have no recollection of anything we spoke about and all i remember is struggling to find the appropriate responses to the interviewer’s questions. i had so much difficulty forming sentences. it’s as if my mind knew what i wanted to say, but that the synapses required to vocalize my thoughts were missing. this is nothing new. i wonder if it’s a result of the digital age — i have no trouble typing, rather rapidly, my thoughts onto the computer screen. yet, when it comes to expressing myself through sound, i’m screwed. i’m not used to “speaking” with people anymore. another reason to be a writer!

i was stressing out this whole weekend about an audition i had yesterday for a major musical. they asked me to prepare some sides, a pop/rock song, and a shirtless disco dance. i have no dancing skills so the whole weekend, i choreographed a simple routine that i thought would be fun, but simple enough that i wouldn’t mess up the moves. then, i did a gazillion sit-ups and a bit of weightlifting even though i knew three days of exercise would not fix four months of inactivity. i also rallied some friends to help me practice three songs (just in case). at the actual audition, they only wanted me to sing the first verse of the song and to hear me read the sides. better to be over-prepared, i guess? i don’t know when or if i’ll ever hear back. knock knock knock on wood.

back to the grind.

i am so tired. i want to crawl into the empty bed and pass out, but i was scolded earlier for putting my cell phone on the edge of the bed. don’t think they’ll take well to me sleeping in it. hospitals are impossible to rest in. there is someone coming in, checking your pulse, drawing blood, administering medicine almost every 30 minutes to an hour. i am usually a light sleeper to begin with, so between the parade of staff walking in and the peripheral noise, i feel like i’m back in college pulling an all-nighter. not that i’m complaining. i’m not the one who had surgery. i just hope i am not a groggy mess later. and i hope i don’t develop other zits the size of alaska like the one that’s currently on my chin.

my mom said, “if you have something good to say, you don’t need to be afraid to say it.” that will be my quote of the month.

hospitals are typically such dreary places, but this one is surprisingly cheery. well, at least the staff are anyway. my mom’s passed out beside me, oxygen tube in her nose, IV’s in her arms, and a pump wrapped around each foot that inflates and deflates to promote blood circulation, i assume. the nurses here have been outrageously nice, especially the evening shift nurse – Annie – who is all smiles. what a difference it makes to have someone do something as simple as SMILE to make everything better and make you feel like maybe everything will be alright.

the last time i was in a hospital, i think i was visiting my aunt who had a brain hemorrhage. prior to that, it was to visit my grandma for the last time. prior to that it was to visit my dad, also for the last time (may they rest in peace). so yeah — hospitals and me don’t go well together.

i’m here to provide translation services and to help my mom, but there’s a part of me that wants to rebrand hospitals in my mind from something that’s totally evil to a place where sick or injured people actually get better. so far so good (knock on wood). her surgery seems to have gone off well. other than the typical symptoms of swelling and fever, she’s in good spirits. i actually had no idea what a hip replacement surgery even meant. from the size of the bandage that’s on her side, it doesn’t look as invasive as i would’ve thought. thank goodness. while the full rehabilitation and healing might take awhile longer, i’m glad she finally went through with it. she’s gonna get better (fingers crossed).

i’m going to have to figure out how to arrange the chairs to get some zzz’s tonight. they don’t allow overnight guests, but since there’s no one sharing the room, they’re letting me stay. there’s a nice view of the city from the window. it’ll be interesting to see what goes on at this time of night in hospitals.

wishing you all an amazing new year!