sorry is the easiest word

in what may be a rite of passage into adulthood, i’m dipping my toes into the consulting world. a colleague asked me to conduct a training so i stayed up last night researching what a reasonable consulting fee would be.

i have a good idea about what consultants usually charge based on what i’ve paid them in the past. i came up with a fee that i thought was very appropriate for the circumstances. as i was drafting an email to my colleague, an inner-voice kept saying, that’s a bit high for YOU, isn’t it?

with every clickety-clack of the keyboard, the voice grew louder.

are you sure you’re even worth that much? there are a lot more ‘experienced’ people who charge that rate, but are you anywhere near their expertise?

by the time i finished the email, i was so insecure about my decision that i had to send it to mgs for his opinion – though really, it was probably more for affirmation. he’s always been the opposing voice who says, “you are worth it” and i needed to hear it. but it was already 1am EST so the chances of him responding right away was slim.

it was ridiculous: i hadn’t even sent the email and i was already compromising my own worth. if i were an outsider looking in, i’d see that there really is no one else with the knowledge or experience that i possess to help the organization with what they needed. fuck it, i thought and sent the email off to my colleague.

this morning, i heard responses from both my colleague and mgs. the colleague, unsurprisingly, said she’d have to double check with the higher-ups since the fee seemed high. mgs, on the other hand, said that i shouldn’t feel weird to ask for what i think i’m worth. my first reaction was to write my colleague back right away to apologize and to lower my fee immediately. then i wanted to write mgs back to apologize to him for doubting myself. i started to feel an anxiety attack coming on until suddenly…

why was i apologizing? what am i apologizing for? why am i ALWAYS apologizing?

mgs tells me that jgc has banned his students from saying, “i’m sorry.” instead, they are to replace it with, “i’m sexy.” mgs tried making me say this once and i couldn’t. my belief in myself was just that low. but this morning, after reading those emails and perhaps finally recognizing this ridiculous pattern of self-doubt, i’m going to apologize for the last time:

dear world: i’m sorry for ever doubting myself.

perhaps i’m still feeling the afterglow from the beautiful ceremony yesterday. seeing da achieve her dreams despite all the forces pushing against her, i’m determined to do the same. fear and insecurity has kept me from taking risks, but i’m ready now!!!

i’m sexy. i’m sexy. i’m sexy.